| Just thinking my way through the day out loud |
[Aug. 12th, 2011|06:54 pm] |
Noonish. I know I haven't kept up here and I should have. The journey might be useful to someone else, etc. Right now I am sitting down to write just to "think out loud on paper," well, cyberpaper? None of the old phrases fit anymore. this post is just for myself really, I wouldn't bother to read it if you are not me.
Today i am trying to feed Sam every two hours. I am assist-feeding because she can no longer eat on her own, or drink water for that matter. Most of my plans don't work out, so that makes planning all the more difficult. But every day is a wish to get more water into her, as well as food. Mostly she gets water by sub-cutaneous fluids, like an iv. And food she gets by hand feeding with feeding syringes, of which I finally got the best kind today in the mail. Yay!
Okay, but my next issue is what do I mix up next, and so that I am prepared for her next meal? I think one jar of baby food with one days supplements, and then see exactly how many cc's that comes up to, and how many meals that makes. Okay, now that I have a plan, I will go do it.
!:45pm Okay, I did that and fed Sam her third meal of the day. (I haven't had my first one yet, but am eating corn chips.) She ate 20cc's. A third of a jar of Gerber baby food, plus supplements. And I am partly set up for the next meal. Opps, not good enough. I have to be all set up because I have to start on that again in another hour. Whew. The meal prep starts with warming the already filled syringes for that meal. A meal ends, I mean after Sam has left, with washing them all carefully and then loading with food and putting in the fridge. Between some meals is the mixing of the food and supplements, the blending (with baby food I am just whisking), and then the packing into the loading syringe, without bubbles, and then transfering to the smaller ones, without bubbles. I do a lot of packing and repacking... its hard to keep the bubbles out and then really get in the way with feeding... the plunger jumps ahead, and the squirt is too big for kitty. Not good.
A very complicated deal. But if a kitty doesn't have an oral cancer, or is on pain meds, apparently it goes well and is very rewarding for the intimacy between kitty and caretaker. It certainly improves quality of life to be nourished. In the case of Sam, she is far better off than before we were feeding, but I, and obviously she, are distressed by the pain of eating. We have to figure out something better for her.
2:45pm. Just finished filling new syringes with food, washing the used ones, drying and putting away. Just in time for another feeding! I'll try to quickly eat my breakfast that I just pulled out of the fridge.
3:15pm the feeding went fast as sam wasn't up for much. I put the syringes in to soak because this is the interval where I am going to take some time for myself, starting with finishing my breaksfast. I have enough pre-filled syringes leftover that I can skip the washing and filling, in other words, I have a full hour and a half that is mine this time. Well, hour and 25 minutes now, anyway.
almost 7pm. The 5pm feeding was put off til 6pm because Sam drank water at 4:30. Almost 10cc if I remember right, maybe more (it's on the chart but not handy) from little very smooth 3cc syringes that will be used only for water. That's a relief. I hope we make it up to much more water this way. Like 100cc a day, because she doesn't like doing sub-cutaneous water anymore.
I'm going to quit this entry. It was really just for me anyway. But I'm putting it in the journal anyway. Whose journal is this anyway? Oh yeah, it used to be Sam's. That's sad. I'd like to hope it will be Sam's again, but with all the stress and pain she is under, and no pain meds, I don't think she can fight the cancer. |
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| Precious Day 10 And an end-of-life story. |
[Jul. 1st, 2011|04:27 pm] |
Samantha is still here! Her biopsy showed squamous cell carcinoma, and i was given Prednilosone to help reduce swelling and make her more comfortable. The literature suggests Prednilosone may cause squamous cell carcinoma, so I may call the vet shortly to ask if there is an alternative. Other articles suggest it is helpful in cancer. Huh?
I have a story to tell, not a story of ours, but one Tony Robbins tells on one of his CD courses (Time of Your Life). Tony tells of going to a health spa to spend some time taking care of his body and relaxing. (More or less--this is all very paraphrased as I don't remember the details.)
So Tony is at this spa, having a good time, and there is one woman there that is particularly joyful and vibrant, that he and others particularly enjoy talking with. Tony is pretty interested in why people are the way they are and doesn't steer away from the interesting questions, and asks her why she came to the spa. So she explains that she has a brain tumor, and is not expected to live 3 months. She figured she could dwell on dying and waste all the rest of her life, or commit to enjoying every bit of it. She might survive or not, but why throw away the time she has?
Sam isn't expected to live long, according to the vet, and I could be doing the very-sad bit (yes, I HAVE done a lot of that) but for various reasons, including hearing the above story, I've concentrated elsewhere. I've always been so glad to have Sam in my life, though I always hoped for a time when we would have a more suitable place for her to live, (like more rooms and/or a safe outside, so she could get more exercise and enjoy life more) and a very long life for her. But now the rest of her life may be very short. Now is time to DOUBLE UP on the joy of life with her, loving her, and doing my best for her. Cuz we might not have much time left.
A couple times I have gone to that place of wondering how I will know if it is time that she wants me to take her to die more easily. But you know what? I can't figure that out now! No way. If that becomes a problem question it will be enough to deal with it then. It is not helpful to grapple with it now.
Now is the time for love. And, well, trying for a miracle as well.
Sam's taking several herbs that are found to be useful with cancer. Yes, this is mostly from human studies, or even animal studies then taken from there to advise humans. Anyway, it's more likely to do some good than not, so we do it.
Yesterday, about 10 or 11 pm she finally wanted to go outside again. It's been several days, maybe even a week since she has gone out, and I was really happy she was feeling an interest again. She wanted to lay on the sidewalk. I probably should put a flashlight near her to attract moths if we go out again at night. It would be wonderful if she were actually up to batting at one of them.
So that's lfe with Sam, now. Enjoying just being. Mostly sleeping for her. Up every few hours for toilette and a bite and a pet.
OH--she seemed to maybe notice the mice once. They don't seem to change their play any more when she comes by. I'm sure she knows about them, just isn't interested, or is respectful of them since they have pet status and not prey status, which has got to be obvious from my talking to them. They got a cage cleaning and remodel today, along with a little garden of greens---alfalpha, clover, wheatgrass, and buckwheat, all of which I think got eaten right away. I should have made it a lot thicker, for sure. I started some more for them.
I'm going to go snuggle Sam now. Bye. |
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| Precious Day Number 4 |
[Jun. 25th, 2011|01:39 pm] |
Yesterday, Ray brought us two darling mice. Sam hasn't paid much attention, though she did make a point of walking right by the aquarium (which like most everything in our room, lives on the floor) once without looking at it. One mouse however, saw her get down from the bed across the room, and completely froze until she went back up on her bed. (The other mouse was asleep the whole time.) Totally still, not even a blink--I was amazed how instinctively and quick she reacted, and had second thoughts about this idea of them being comfortable having a cat observer of their life and play. I keep a fabric draped aroung the walls of the aquarium for their visual security almost all the time now.
And Sam? Sometimes I think she is not even going to last the day, and sometimes i think she is doing well, so I am obviously not able to be objective about how she is doing. I began essiac tincture again today, first warming the 50% alcohol tincture I have until only a third of the volume was left--apparently reduced the water content as well as the alcohol content. She ate it in her food okay. I am also making essiac tea from scratch (that is, the powdered herbs) and that will be ready to try this evening.
She still gets no exercise, and I haven't put up a fence as yet, though I will try to go to bed earlier, so we can go outside to walk before the dogs are out. It must be hard to live in one room when you feel too old to play with toys. I know she would walk all over the place if it were bigger. If I were a carpenter and had lots of wood I would build her walking paths near the ceiling and along the walls. And if the place were mine, of course.
She's laying down after a snack. I think I better go give her some attention since I can't give her exercise at the moment. Gosh, it seems awfully strongly of mice in here. |
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| Precious Day Number 2 |
[Jun. 23rd, 2011|11:15 am] |
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Sam is no worse today--actually she is breathing a little better at the moment. The biopsy will not be mailed until tomorrow, and I will not get the results to be able to order herbal supplements until next week. In the meanwhile, I am trying to arrange to make life more interesting for Sam.
I talked to Ray, a guy who sells mice, about getting some companions for Sam. Ray is going to bring some mice and a tank to us tomorrow. Today I will buy food, water bottle, and an exercise wheel for the mice to be ready on this end for our new roommates.
Now I guess I could start looking into fencing options to make the yard more available to Sam once again (especially since she wrote about how much fun it is to be in the tent, at least if I am there wih her), and to give her an exercise area. I talked to Leonardo about fencing the tent areathis, and he was okay with it. I'l like to make the area bigger than I originally told him, so that she could also have exercise and "laying under the bushes" options. Samantha has just come to lay on my lap, so I should quit the typing now. |
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| Precious Days |
[Jun. 22nd, 2011|07:19 pm] |
This is Samantha's human writing again after all these months or years. Samantha had surgery today and isn't up to writing herself. It turns out we won't have years left to get around to starting up this journal again, nor maybe even months. But maybe she will have months. Up to six maybe, but maybe far far less.
The good news is that she tolerated her surgery and anesthetic well, which had caused me a great deal of concern, including switching of vets. (It was supposed to be just dental, but it's been horrendous what she's been going through to get to that point. But no point in going into that.) She came home and wanted food. She was alert, even did far better than usual in the car.
But I am just rambling about nothing here, i mean, it must be boring.
I don't know what kind of cancer it is yet, but a biopsy has been done. When I know, I will send for herbal rememdies. We also have the gentle work of a qigong energy worker, a distance healer, helping. I feel sure that her relative calm in going to the vet today (and her entusiasm for loving-dovey cuddling most of last night which left me with VERY little sleep) is due to his influence. That's pretty out on a limb, I know, but that's my feeling about it.
Anyway, every day is especially precious now, and I thought maybe I would start counting them, and seeing what I can do to make life as good as possible for Sam. AGAP--as good as possible.
So today is day one, and I figure she probably mostly wants to sleep and minimize her pain that way. She had five tooth roots removed, and her gum pretty stirred up--that's where the cancer is, plus swelling out her cheek, and maybe pressing into her sinus, since she has trouble breathing. So I am checking in with her whenever I see her awake, and feeding her her canned food made soupy with added water and a hand blender, and with the added herbal remedies that she loves.
I haven't got much imagination yet on making her life better, though I am thinking of getting her a pet mouse, and also putting up a tent in the yard, which she has always loved. (I did get the personal, pet sized tent that Sam mentioned in her last post, but it was too smelly and useless. I also got a real-sized tent to replace our broken one (the poles broke too) but I haven't put it up this year as it is sometimes VERY windy, and dogs pee on tents now... I need a fence as well.
These are things I am THINKING about, as opposed to actually doing... I haven't much sense of capacity to do anything at the moment. It's sad to get this diagnosis, but I wasn't sure she would survive surgery, so on the other hand, compared to that, we are deeply blessed with some time to love and say goodbye.
Unless of course we also get a miracle, and then we get a lot more days.
I hope she doesn't hold having taken her to surgery against me, and hope she still feels lots of cuddling again (and wrecking my sleep) is still the best way to spend a night. I'm going to have to learn to take naps if i want to get enough sleep, I mean, if she forgives me for the surgery. Oh, she's awake now... gotta go. |
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| I'm Bored. My Tent Broke. |
[Sep. 6th, 2010|03:39 pm] |
This is Samantha Kitty. My sidekick, Merahu--she's my human--is typing for me.
I'm inside today. Well, in and out and in and out and in and out, but now I am in. It's not so much fun in my tent anymore cuz Merahu doesn't come out so much to stay in it. (When she comes out she gives me nori snacks.)
The zipper broke on the tent. I don't mind so much, but Mer can't get in and out so well, so she doesn't... just stays in the house. When I ask her to come out, she says she can't, she's busy looking at tents online. She hasn't ordered our new one yet, but she says she ordered one just for ME! Too small for her! That will be interesting.
We have lots of visitors now. Ants. They have found my food bowl. They are too small for me to notice, but Mer can see them. She takes em outside, but I think she should handle them more nicely. Why not let them be? She knocks the dish on the porch and they fall out on the porch. I think that must be disturbing to be clanked on the porch.
I fell off my night sleeping place, did I tell you? I woke up next to my food dish. So Mer built sides up so I couldn't fall off again, but that made it too small. Why didn't she make it bigger? Humans are dumb, especially mine.
Yes, I know this is very boring. I'm bored today. I didn't want to be alone.
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| Teo years? Let me tell you about my tent. |
[Aug. 27th, 2010|08:15 am] |
Hi, this is Samantha Kitty here, though I am making my human type this for me.
Gosh, it's been almost two years since we last wrote to you! That's a long time in cat years. I thought I'd catch you up, especially since summer is always the best time of my life. Well, anytime that is not winter is the best time, really. As long as I can spend time outside.
So you know I'm getting up there in years now. I don't catch grasshoppers, don't catch moths, don't watch birds with excitement. But I still have things I love.
I love waking Mer up (Merahu is what I call my human) in the night. Over and over and over. It's great fun. I never know what she is going to do. Mostly she talks to me, pets me, and then turns away, or cuddles up. sometimes she says "go away," and puts her head under the covers. She's pretty sure of herself when she puts her head under the covers and I usually accept that. But everything is negotiable, and sometimes I wake her up, wake her up, wake her up over and over in a row.
It's marvelous fun for me.
Mer got a new feeder for me--it opens up twice during the night to give me more food. I love it. Now I don't have to worry when I wake her up if she will feed me or not. It takes all the pressure off me for getting her up. I can wake her up just for fun now! I think I do it two or three times as much now, now that it's all for fun.
But I was going to tell you about my tent. Mer set up the tent in the yard--such as our yard is--so I have an outside place to go during the day. She says I get more exercise this way, walking back and forth, and with a place to go to.
I like to go sleep out there. Mer tears up nori (nori is a seaweed that comes in sheets--you can wrap cooked rice in it too) and throws the pieces in the tent. I go in and find and eat them up, and then take my bath and then my nap. It's pretty nice. And I can be in the sun--but not too hot, and in the breeze--but not to much, and anyway it's all comfy without being so un-nature-ly boring like inside our one room house. Our one room house has an second room outside and I love it!
Yesterday Mer was out there with me. I like it when she pets me, but she decided to comb me. I've gotten a little matted and I didn't like the comb. So I took the comb away from her. But then she started again so I play-nibbled her hand and then licked it all over so she would get the idea of what to do proper like. Then she slid the comb under me so I would know she got the message, but I wrapped my paws around her hand and pulled it towards me to be sure.
I put that paw of hers under my head and closed my eyes and went to sleep. If her hand was my pillow, then I KNEW she couldn't comb me.
That's life in the tent. Eat, play, pet, sleep. I love it. |
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| Day two of Sam's new wake-up-the-human strategy |
[Nov. 28th, 2008|07:31 am] |
You might want to read yesterday's entry before reading this, not that I am making any claim to it being interesting, but Sam wrote it herself. Today it's just me, the human.
Sam was laying the long way across most of my pillow early this morning, her face a couple inches from mine--me out on the edge of the pillow, and she was not purring. Three were no signs of distress, but there was no purring. Hmmm, this brings to mind the question, or why else would that stand out, "is she always purring when cuddled or close, unless asleep?" I can't really answer that. It's more like well, she's not usually so still. That's it. If I mumble to her, or pet her, or maybe even if she just knows I'm awake, she does SOMEthing to say "hi." Often it's a tail wiggle, with more wiggling if I laugh, or if her tail is conveniently in my face (she knows I love this). Or it might be a purr, or a little "mmm." She does a lot of those little "mmm" or "mer" sounds, which are quite conversational. So the quiet and stillness were noticeable, even without being able to pinpoint what was really missing at first.
So noticing something odd, I petted her and all, and asked questions, but she wasn't letting on. Oh, I forgot to tell you... she did lay her paw on mine, but it had the quality of "I'm here" rather than "Oh boy, I love to stretch out and cuddle with you" which is more usual. I petted her paw and she licked my hand but didn't turn it into a "rub this side of my face" or anything. Just a paw on mine or a lick of my paw on hers. Acknowledgement maybe.
Then I got it. I'm getting faster. No purr, not under the covers, this was like yesterday, only different! I looked for light sneeking around the curtains--there wasn't any--then clicked on an LED to check the time. Yep, it was, surely an excellent get-up time, just after six.
So we got up, and she was clearly pleased as punch to see I had gotten it this time. Then happiness upon happiness, she got to have that elixer of kitty heaven for breakfast, turkey, so it's been a great morning so far.
A meal of turkey to Sam is such a wonderful thing, it took me several hours to put an end to one yesterday. More? More? More? MoreMoreMoreMoreMore and so on. I'd figured out what we were in for by the third refill, so the portions became much smaller... but there was almost no end to the requests for more. I did manage to put a stop to the little portions after most of the afternoon had passed with little meals served every three minutes, and in the evening she accepted canned salmon as her leave-it-out-to-eat-in-the-night meal.
This morning I got wiser, and earh serving was significantly smaller than the previous serving, with the last few tapering to nearly nothing. She got the idea, and her enthusiasm level dwindled with the expected food volume, so when it was the last one, she was okay with that.
I think Samantha is a very smart kitty. I don't think I am myself quite as dumb as she thinks I am, and hope she will forgive me for my slowness in getting her drift, or in figuring out the right serving method for a food so irresitable as turkey. And for putting her up in her own bed (the upper bunk over ours is her daybed) rather than let her have my lap--it really is much easier to write without her there.
Later. I've been thinking about it, and this strategy of hers is making more and more sense to me. After all, when she talks (mers) to me, or tail wiggles or purrs, what does she get more of? Me cuddling with her, laughing, merring back... none of this leading to getting up. In fact she maybe gets me wanting, "just one more cuddle Sam? what? you're getting up? don't you want to come back to bed?" and finally me putting my head under the covers if she starts pawing at my face. So I guess we have got a more matter-of-fact getting up style now. Life is interesting with an innovative cat! |
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| Thanksgiving Morning |
[Nov. 27th, 2008|07:37 am] |
It's been almost a year since either Merahu or I posted. I decided to write to you this morning and tell you of a misunderstanding we had in bed this morning, or actually, that SHE had. Mer said that it is Thanksgiving and maybe we could give some thought to writing about that as well. I said, maybe, but first I am going to tell you how bright my human isn't.
Hey, I interupt this story to tell you something else I just figured out. I am not sure why such a smart kitty as myself has such a dimwitted human, but I like her anyway.
Mer has trouble typing when I am on her lap, plus she has to get up and down to get her breakfast this morning, so she was reluctant to let me settle in. Finally I laid down on top of her left wrist, pressing it down on her leg. She can still type that way, so she said ok. Everything was fine until I tried to switch knees--the right is always my favorite, but she says she particularly needs that one free. But you know me... persistence personified. I stuck with it and now I have the full weight of my chest on her right wrist, and my rump on her left.
And she is still typing, so I don't think I should put up with any future resistence to my claims to the lap, do you? I don't think her hunching over is going to hurt her any do you?
Ok, now about my dumb human earlier. I got up this morning to use the toilet, then went back to Mer and gave her a good paw on the face. She lifted up the covers to let me plant my backside under them and snuggle her face on the pillow, but it's not what I asked for.
I went behind her and gave a big pull on her pony tail, which should have been really clear, but she reached behind her head and lifted the covers behind her as if I really wanted to snuggle her back--again, NOT what I asked for.
I gave up. If she didn't get the pony tail pull, she wasn't going to get it. I came round front again, let her let me under the covers, turned around and laid on her arm and next to her face. I didn't purr. It took her nearly a minute to realize I wasn't purring, and then she started really waking up.
"Sam? Are you okay?" she cooed. Pet, pet, pet, went her fingers. And that went on in variations for a good half hour. I didn't purr not once.
THEN she reached up and turned on the LED light we have hanging over the bed, and I burst into purring. THEN she got it, and we had a nice little "Do you want me to get up--"/"Purr purr" exchange. Gosh, she's slow. Slow, but willing. Well, usually. Sometimes it takes me hours to get her up.
Was that what I wanted to tell you? Oh yes, I guess it was. About how poorly my human, maybe most humans, grasp basic communication. Work on that, will you, guys?
[Mer speaks] Shall we talk about thanksgiving now?
[Sam] No, I'm going to sleep. Quit wiggling your arm, will you?
[Mer] Sigh. And my fingers and left foot are going to sleep...
[Sam] Maybe we can get back to them on that.... [drifts into sleep]
{Mer] ummm. Well, I'm especially thankful for you, my little wristweight, alarm clock, snuggker and companion.
[Sam} Purr. I like your lap. And sleeping on your arms. |
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| Samantha's human doesn't understand |
[Dec. 28th, 2007|12:26 pm] |
[Sam's human is writing to you today, not Sam.]
I was at the laptop, which means sitting crosslegged on the plywood edge of the bed frame, with Sam sitting up about two feet to my right. I started to get up to my right, leaning past the front of the laptop and boxes that make up the laptop support, when Sam looked into my eyes intently, and spoke to me... loudly but not yelling, as if assertively objecting or lodging a complaint. She was not on my lap, not even asking to be on my lap--what could the problem be?
I asked, she spoke again! I leaned slightly closer, to ask in gentle tones for clarification, and she spoke again! and again! pauses to let me answer or explain or comply, i couldn't know which. She was growing slightly indignant at my failure to respond, I could tell. Finally at her human's stupidity or --? she adapted almost fighting voice. (We don't hear that one except with other kitties, normally.)
Food? obviously not, she'd used not of the usual methods of converying this. Wanting out? obviously not. Finally growing hopeless at understanding it, I leaned back again, a little hopeless, and as I leaned back, the palm of my hand came up--and I got it. I had had my hand on the tippiest tip of her tail where i was leaning. Enough for her to notice and to be agast at, but not for me to feel. Clearly it was an outrageous act of impropriety in the extreme, but below this human's capacity to feel.
I think she has forgiven me. At least, as far as I can tell, which clearly isn't much. |
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